At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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