im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
People with herpes should wear stickers.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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