Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
