currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
