Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
