you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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