i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
