i need an iv and a liver transplant
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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