Swine flu. Run for my life!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
