the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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