Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
