I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize