Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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