You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
