tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
