how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
