the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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