I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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