His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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