The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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