My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
