I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
