I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
