Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I did not marry a roomba.
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