apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
