I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
