She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
