When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
