I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
