So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
