I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
