just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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