i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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