Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
