if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
