glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
