is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
