My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he told me I talked like a deaf person
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
