i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
