I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
