i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize