Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
