Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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