Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
