Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
