I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
