I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
