im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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