So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
