Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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