i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
