I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
