My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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