dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
wanna go halves on a baby?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
