im six kinds of drunk right now
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
