Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
