She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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