I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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