I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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